But it is critical to remember that you must avoid giving the children the impression that you dislike or are angry with the other parent. If you are separated from your former partner, I know you may be being mistreated and have hard feelings towards him or her. To learn about my great tips for validating your child's feelings, click here. We need to allow them to express they're angry feelings so they become consciously aware of them so they can process and resolve them. It makes you unhappy.” Children will often be very angry at their parents for the conflict and making them unhappy. You need to reflect and validate those feelings: “Oh, you get so scared and mommy and daddy argue. It's not your fault.” In addition, you need to get them to express how they feel when mommy and daddy argue.
Mommies and daddies argue sometimes, but even though we argue we still love you more than anything. We still love each other, and later on we're going to make up and everything will be fine. Reassure them, “Mommy and daddy are just having a disagreement. You need to dispel those fears mentioned above that they may be feeling while witnessing in argument. You need to reassure them of your love and that their needs will be met. If they do witness conflict however, the trick is to talk about it openly with them. It’s amazing how beneficial this practice will be for the emotional health of your children! Talk about it openly! After a time, your partner will see you mean business and will keep the arguments in private. I can't emphasize this point enough! I know that sometimes passions flare up and it is difficult to prevent arguing in front of the children, and in addition sometimes it is your partner who initiates the conflict, but I recommend you firmly decide in your mind that you will not answer back or in any way prolong arguments in front of the kids! It is better to tolerate insults from your partner quietly that to harm your child’s emotional health. The first answer is obviously to prevent them from witnessing conflict is much is possible. However even when conflict in inevitable, we can do much to shield children from it's damaging affects. Children do not have the maturity and presence of mind to think, “Mommy and daddy are fighting right now but surely tomorrow they will have made up and everything will be fine.” In the moment, they truly fear the worst and are severely traumatized by any marital conflict. Even when parents live together and generally get along if the children do witness even occasional conflict they will have all these thoughts. It is much safer for a child to blame himself and consider himself bad than to contemplate that his parents are behaving inappropriately. He needs to think of his parents are all good and all kind, that they're taking care of him.
If I was a good boy they would get along.” I have had children report to me in therapy that they think this way when their parents argue! You see a child desperately needs to idealize his parents for his own emotional survival. They think, “It's because I'm bad that mommy and daddy don't get along. How can she love me if she hates the other person I love so much? How can I trust them to be good to me if they're so mean to each other? And they are each hurting the other person I love! In addition, the child thinks, if they once loved each other but then stopped, maybe they will someday stop loving me too? These and other fears all swirl in a child's head during parental conflict.Įven more alarming is the fact that very often when parents fight the children blame themselves. The two people who, for the child's own emotional survival, he must perceive as all good and all kind, are hurting each other. The two people who he loves more than anything seem to hate each other more than anything. For example, a child naturally loves both his parents more than life itself, but when parents have negative feelings towards each other a child is put into an irreconcilable quandary.
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